Alone With Nothing But the Memories
by carhanick
Summary: Story about the six months when Han was in carboonite, Leia POV. Pretty accurate to what was pre-determined in the og movies/EU, but I might deviate a little bit in future chapters. Feeback welcome
1. Alone

Okay so I felt like not that many people write about this topic so I thought it would be pretty fun. I hope it's no too horrible I'm not really the most gifted romantic writer but I can try. This first chapter is very short, but if you want more I'lll be happy to supply =)

It seemed easy at first to hide the pain, after all I had been masking my trauma of Alderaan for almost four years. Then again, it didn't take that long for me to realize that this pain was far worse. Was that selfish, do you think? Feeling more pain at the loss of one man as opposed to an entire planet? Maybe. Maybe it was selfish. Then again, I didn't really care at this point. If I cared I would not have screamed when they removed his name from the assignment board. If I cared I wouldn't have thrown my shoe at Wedge Antilles when he mentioned returning to his beautiful home planet Corellia. If I cared I would not be okay with the fact that I was currently sitting on a hospital bed. If I cared I would not be staring into space with one image repeating over and over and over and ov-

"Hey." _I should have expected this._ "Leia." _You'd think I'd be happier to see him after three months._ "Just tell me what happened. They need to know what happened Leia." _Do they need to know? Do they need to know that I fell in love with a man and he was taken away from me just as soon as I was I able to tell him? Do they need to know I just lost the most important person in my life in the moment I realized how much i needed him? Would they even understand if I told them?_

"No." It was the only answer I wanted to give, and probably the only word I could manage at the moment.

"No what, Leia?" After a few moments of my silence, Luke decided to give up his interrogation. Defeated, he turned slowly to a furious Mon Mothma in the corner of the hospital room.

"Commander Skywalker, I thought you said she was fine." The rebel leader snapped at him.

"She was I swear. Until we got back to the base." _Oh Luke I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't keep pretending that the pain wasn't eating me out. It's not your fault._

"Well look at her, sitting there like a drooling child." She made an audible expression of disbelief. "I've never seen her this way, I didn't even know she could get like this. Whatever did happen, it must have been worse than whatever that _Calrissian_ told us if it left her like this."

I'm sure Lando told them everything they needed to hear. We went. We were captured. We lost Captain Solo. The man wasn't even dead, thus I'm sure to Luke and Mon it seems near impossible that something like this could have set me into this state. Judging by their faces the only part Lando may have left out is the part where I proclaimed my love for the smuggler. Gods know the lecture of disappointment I'd be receiving if Mon ever found out, and I could still see that puppy love look filling Luke's eyes.

"Gods I don't even know if she can hear us. The poor thing is barely breathing. Look at her eyes, do you see her eyes? They almost look like there's no life behind them!" Funny. I had never seen the senator concerned for anyone's well-being, and frankly it was a sight to behold. I suppose it was a day for the typically rigid and cold to melt into insanity.

"I'd like to go to my room now." I didn't even notice it was me who had spoken till I realized the two were both staring at me.

"Sure. How about we pick up this conversation up tomorrow? I mean we have so much to catch up on." Luke grinned, trying his best to pretend as if all were a typical day.

" _ **I know."**_ It was the only answer he would give me, and it was the only answer I'd give them.


	2. Adjusting

My life quickly spiraled down into a deep, dark state of depression. My doctor, that I was assigned to shortly after my catastrophic hospital meeting one week ago, decided to insistently remind me my actions were not beneficial to my health. You need to eat more she said. You need to sleep more she said. You need to stop pushing people away. You need to start telling people what happened. Trust me lady, the only thing I need is a 6 foot smuggler with the smile of a devil and the heart of an angel.

"Well Leia I can start you on medications if you like, but you need to be able to put in some effort yourself if you're going to get any better." Dr. Niobe snapped her portfolio closed, shaking her head slowly.

Her head shook even more when she did not receive a response.

"Alright. I'll send someone over with something for you tomorrow. You can leave now Leia, but you need to promise me one thing. Please don't beat yourself up about whatever happened to Captain Solo. It wasn't your fault."

 _It's not my fault, I swear._

I didn't even bother to make eye contact with her as I scurried out of the room. I could see the looks given to me by my "comrades". They didn't have to speak. I could see they thought I completely lost it by their expressions. My solemn journey to my room was almost complete until a certain farm boy blocked my path.

"Leia, please. I know you've been avoiding me. Just let me in, let me help."

 _I'm just trying to help sweetheart._

"Please..just give me some time. Don't worry, I swear one of these days I'll tell you everything."

 _Don't worry, I've got this all under control._

"Let me just. How about I walk the rest of the way to your room? Maybe we can talk there." With this last statement Luke placed his arm on my shoulder, _and-oh no no no. Was he serious? Did he really think that I was actually into him? Could he really not see the way I felt about Han?_ To be truthful I hadn't really done much to lead the guy off, and I didn't have the energy to discourage the only friend I had at the moment.

Instead, I subtly shrugged him off and replied with a quiet, "I'd prefer to be alone, thank you."

 _I prefer nice men._

Every sentence, every word reminded me of him. His sweet, sulky voice. That voice that drew me in, the voice I may never hear again. Hastily I turned from Luke, and without one glance back I ran to my room. Here, in the complete and utter silence, is where I totally lost it. All I know is suddenly it's all too much, the only sound I can hear is Han's voice ringing in my head. Instantly my brain was flooded with flashbacks. A kiss. A smile. A simple touch that would bring life back to me. I regret it, I regret what I said. Him holding me did make me excited. It gave me joy and passion I never thought I could posses. All that time of pushing him away and now he was gone. It was all my fault. I kept screaming and screaming his name, hoping in some way that could bring him back. Every passing moment was torture. Every single second turned me inside out.

It must have been two hours of solitary insanity before a series of knocks break me out of my trance.

"Leia, would you come out already? Please. Their back. Chewie and Lando came back."

 _Back already? Was he that easy to find? Maybe they caught Fett before he reached Jabba._ Even I knew that was too good to be true. "What about Han?"

"Well Mon said for a little they are stopping the investigation. But I wouldn't worry about it, we'll get him back safe and sound." He sounded so reassuring. Just as reassuring as a certain scoundrel minutes before we were handed over to Darth Vader. He made it seem like getting Han back was a guarantee, that it was only a matter of time. _If only_. I could wait, I could be patient. But I could not live with a 50% chance of ever seeing him again.

Still, I was not passing up the closest thing to him. _The Falcon_. I would have to pick myself up, and push through. I'd make it to the ship, for him. With immense strength I managed to get to the hanger, and to my amazement there it was. I could barely climb up the first step before my knees buckled. The familiar growl of Chewbacca filled my ears, and instantly I felt the wookie's strong arms lift me up and take me aboard. Haphazardly I walked through the ship, swaying side to side. But it wasn't until I reached the room, his room, that I broke. All those nights comforting me, helping me through. And now he was gone. He became my life, and just like that he was taken away. Luke said Han was selfish. He didn't even know the half of it. If he felt even half the way I feel he wouldn't have done this to me. He would truly have to be selfish in order for him to just let them take him away from me. _Did he even really care about me?_ I didn't have room for these frivolous thoughts. I needed to be strong, he would have wanted me to be strong.

"I don't understand. I didn't think Leia cared that much about Han. I mean she's someone who always takes on burdens, makes it like it's her own krethin fault for everything. But there is not a chance she could be acting this way " It was Luke who spoke. I assumed he believed I was so lost in my thoughts to hear him.

"You mean you didn't know?" Lando slyly inquired. _Great. Just what I was trying to avoid. Pull it together Leia he was bound to find out somehow_.

"Know what?" I couldn't bring myself to turn around and see Luke's face as he said this. His lethal curiosity seeped through his voice and I was not ready to look at his reaction.

"I just assumed their relationship was public. I mean she even said she loved that pirate." _Thanks for keeping it subtle, bastard._

"Relationship? Love? You must have the wrong people, all those two did was yell at each other." _Denial. I know the feeling well. I'm pretty sure I denied my feelings for three years._

"Listen kid I understand what's happening. You obviously got a little bit of a crush on'er. But the way those two were gazing at each other-yeah hate to break it to you but they were definitely together." Were we that obvious? _I guess I never noticed, I was too busy-oh yeah-too busy gazing into Han's eyes. Never mind I suppose, guilty as charged._

"Together?! How together does together mean? I can't believe she wouldn't tell me this. She would definetly tell me this. You have to be making this up."

 _You and me both Luke. I wish more than anything this was all fake._


	3. Dream

Every night seemed to be a repeat of the one before. I couldn't go to sleep, thus I decided I would sleep in Han's bunk. There was something so familiar about being in his room, with his clothes and possessions that made me feel stronger. Made me feel there was a way to get him back. I even choose to wear one of his shirts as my normal attire. Mon Mothma called me hopeless, Luke called me lost, and Lando called me "batshit crazy" under his breath. _I didn't care._ For this tiny period in my life I made an important decision to stop trying. My public image could be tarnished, my reputation destroyed, and the very symbol of the rebellion crushed, yet for once _I couldn't care less._ I don't know if I could feel anything at this point, the main feeling I had was pure emptiness.

I wouldn't say I started going completely off the deep until about the second month in. The second month where my days were filled with sulking around the Falcon until night when I retreated into _his_ cabin for another round of nightmares to plague my sleep.

When I shut my eyes tonight though, there was something different.

"Hey sweetheart." _Han._

I turned over to see a certain smuggler in the bunk beside me

"Han? But how did you get here? I thought you we-"

"Shhhhh." He quickly placed his finger onto my lips. "It's all going to be better now Leia. I'm back. I'm not going to leave." _I didn't realize how much I liked him saying my name. It was so much nicer than those imbecilic pet names._

Slowly removing his finger, Han moved back to the wall of the cabin. I reached out to feel his hair, gently caressing his silky brown locks, and gradually bringing my face closer to his. Finally I pressed my lips against his, suddenly being surrounded by that familiar safety that his embrace brought. It was so interesting what change one person could make. Being with Han always brought me peace, it was always a way to clear my head.

 _Well when he wasn't being a scoundrel._

I had hardly realized that he had pulled away from me until he cut my train of thoughts again.

"Something wrong, sweetheart?"

 _No. Nothing was wrong._ Which was exactly the problem. This was fake, I knew that. But still, I haven't had a good dream since-since Han-since Han _left_.

He kept stroking my face, sliding his thumb up and down my face, and forcing me too smile.

 _This is fake Leia. It's all fake. He's not here._

"Why would anything be wrong?" I turned my head back up to face him, losing myself instantly in those gorgeous intricate, hazel eyes. I wanted _him._ I wanted to be lost in those eyes forever. Sinking into the blue seas, lost in the evergreen forests, and dipping into a pool of molten gold. All parts of his eyes told a different story, yet each one gave me the feeling of _home._ Each color in his eyes reminded me of a different part of Alderaan. My father had once said a home can be a person. Han had become my Alderaan. Han had become my _home._

"Oh sure, I should've known everything was great. What could possibly go wrong when you got a guy like me by your side?"

A dry laugh escaped my lips at this comment. _Oh sure, nothing could go wrong whatsoever._

"What's so funny? Or is it something a peasant such as me wouldn't understand?" _Laser-brain._

"I suppose it is, Captain Solo. It's an inside jest only the highest of royalty would be able to comprehend."

"Oh I see, your highness. My apologies for even asking you about it." His side-smirk crept onto his face as he took my head up for another kiss. _He seems so real._

"Apology accepted, nerf-herder. Actually I might have thought of a way in which you could show your true regret for your actions." _I couldn't give a bantha shit about if he was real or not. If I have a chance to kiss him, I'm going to take as many opportunities as I can._

"Leia. You need to wake up." _What?_

"Leia. Leia. Leia, c'mon. Leia are you okay?" When I awoke there a smiling, blonde farmboy, yet no smuggler to be found. I knew it was just a dream. I knew. I knew. But when I finally sat up from the bed I felt just as distraught as when Han had been ripped from me the first time.

"Leia I was so scared. You were stone cold out for about 12 hours! Are you sure you're okay?

 _I was great, until you showed up._ I really shouldn't take it out on Luke, he's just trying to help.

"I'm fine."

"Please stop this Leia. You could genuinely be hurting your mental health! Is this what you think Han would've wanted?" _He didn't just say that. How dare he pull that card._

"I wouldn't know Luke, because you idiots haven't come up with a plan to get him back yet." My sharp political tone and diplomatic movements hopefully made up for my disheveled hair and the fact that I was wearing almost nothing besides a oversized man's shirt.

"Leia, we're trying. I want Han back as much as you. But you have to understand that the rebellion needs to focus on other things."

"Oh. Well I suppose you'll have to chat with Vader about getting your hand back, and then you could focus on getting your friend back. I guess Ben must have told you that saving your friends isn't part of the "Jedi code". Good Day, Commander Skywalker."

I immediately regretted what I had said, but I wasn't in the mood for apologies. I could see the genuine hurt in his eyes, yet I simply walked past him indignantly and slammed the door to the fresher in his face.

 _Hey, they don't call me the ice princess for nothing._


End file.
